10 Albums

Here are 10 albums that have had a profound impact on my life, with no explanation & in no particular order.

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Image result for depeche mode music for the massesImage result for interpol turn on the bright lightsImage result for neutral milk hotel in the aeroplane over the seaImage result for rainer maria a better version of meImage result for sunny day real estate diaryImage result for pixies doolittleImage result for cap'n jazz analphabetapolothologyImage result for jets to brazil orange rhyming dictionary

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Write back right back

I wrote 98 pages in my journal between March 21 & April 13, 2018. That should be a good indicator of the speed at which my brain has been operating these days. I probably would have written more, except that was the end of that journal. The thickest journal I’ve ever had since I began writing at age 12. I felt really proud and excited to finish it and I only really shared that with two people – both who seemed very uninterested in my accomplishment. But I felt good about, which is good enough. I had plans to start another journal this weekend, but it’s probably good that I didn’t because I was able to focus on errands and things around the house. Now, it’s Monday morning and I feel naked without having a journal nearby and wish I had started one. Maybe this evening…

I’ve been really conflicted with journaling recently. I spend an (ab)normal amount of time thinking about possible suddenness of death and the overall meaningless of life. For the former, what happens to my journals if I die right now? Will someone destroy them? Or will someone read them? The thought of anyone reading my journals terrifies me – even my closest, most personal friends. Especially my closest, most person friends. They hold all of my insecurities, judgments, fears, obsessions. I’m sure no one in the world would even care about the words there, but it matters to me that no one see them. So do I destroy them now, just in case death is right around the corner? Destroys years of memories and growth and the opportunity to reflect on where I’ve been? That truly bums me out.

So where do I go from here? Who knows.

  1. Start a new journal.
  2. Methodically destroy old journals.
  3. Pretend like none of that happened.

Listen to me, my best friend

I feel like progress has been made! I’m actually talking to people – woohoo. I had a nice phone chat with Leann and a really great one with Kelly. Louise came over too. And I took a surprising call from Nick at FeelGood and I’m so glad I did. It’s nice to have people in my life I can just speak candidly to. People I can just be honest with and say “I don’t care about anything or anyone right now” and they don’t get offended. In fact, the common response seems to be “Shit, I feel the same way right now.” Is something going on in the universe? With the moon? Why do we feel like this – all of us going through different things, but feeling really similar (and really shitty).

Yesterday, we went and hung with my sister’s family. It was nice, but I don’t know how present I really was. But the weather was nice and it was so pleasant to walk outside and get some sun. I forgot what that felt like. I wish I had gone alone. I feel so disconnected from the people I’m supposed to feel the most connected to.

I feel so off, but I feel so ok with that. What’s happening to me?

I’ve been listening to Small Brown Bike’s Dead Reckoning on repeat. Enjoy.

This is my condition…

You kinda get to that point in life where everything is just a routine and that’s what my work days are like. But today, my routine is all out of whack.

I started my day with a 7am call with a potential vendor in Malawi. I’m not sure if I need to say it, but Malawi is a country in Africa. One of my friends was like – where is that, Latin America? No, it’s in Eastern Africa and it’s one of the 3 African countries Water For People works in. Anyway, so I started my day with that call from home. I then proceeded to come in to the office to complete my day. Why not work from home, you ask? Because I’m so much more productive in the office and it’s Ben’s day off and if we’re both home, there’s no chance that I will do any real work. #REALTALK.

Continue reading “This is my condition…”

Day 10

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This year has had a bit of a rough start. Nothing bad has happened, but I feel like I’m living in my brain and my emotions more than I need to. I’m happy and then I’m sad. I’m content and then I’m frustrated. I’m full and then I’m hangry. And this is all within a few minutes! Maybe the thing that’s off is that I haven’t summarized my resolutions, which I try to do most years. So here goes: Continue reading “Day 10”

The List

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A while back I started a list on my phone of all the musical acts I’ve seen live (many more than once, and many missing because I just don’t remember). As I travel for work, sitting on planes, in Lyfts & Ubers, I kill time by adding to this list. So here it is, sorted alphabetically (everything I can remember as of November 30, 2017):

*me & Caithlin from Rainer Maria many, many, many years ago. P.S. It’s weird when your musical icons transition into being your friends.  Continue reading “The List”